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laugh crySome of these jokes I have found on the Internet and re-wrote to suit my taste.

Others are jokes and funny stories I have written.  More jokes to come...

And speaking of jokes for meetings...

Make it personal. Don't limit yourself to pre-written jokes from the internet, books or old magazines.  Think of humorous incidents that you've seen, heard or happened to you in various settings.  Can you condense funny happenings in 1 to 3 minutes?   

  • Your last family gathering
  • Stories from the office
  • Antics of children
  • Fun pet stories
  • Vacation incidents
  • Family stories of yore...
  • The time auntie stripped down to her underwear to retrieve a big fish she had hooked during a vacation at the lake.
  • The practical joke that backfired on your mischievous uncle.
  • A pet's first reaction to snow or ice. 
  • Family mis connections or misunderstandings
  • The time you got one over on the boss
  • You think you have it tough?dial phone
    • When I was your age I had to walk across 10 feet of shag carpet to change the channel on the TV
    • When I was your age I had to use a dial phone
    • When I was your age we only had 3 TV stations
    • When I was your age all the popular music was on AM radio
    • When I was your age gasoline was 10 cents per gallon and you could jump on a car hood without scratching the paint
    • ____________________________________

Jokes and humorous tall tales work great for to put audiences in a jovial mood.

Pirate Day Joke:

pirate hat

Bob decides to quit his job and join a pirate's crew aboard the Black Star. Ships captain, Capt'n Black Peg, was a fearsome-looking pirate who sported a peg leg, one hooked hand and raggity black eye patch.

After a few days on the ship, Bob approached Capt'n Black Peg, "Captain," he asks, "I apologize in advance if I offend ye, but I must be told the tale of thy peg leg"

Capt'n Black Peg replied "Arrgh me matey, no offense t'all. Twas me first day at sea as a young un. The sea was churning, a great swell hit the ship and threw me o're board into the devilish waves. Before me crew could pull me from Davy's Locker out of the brink, the Kracken swam up and pulled off me leg with its giant, sharp beak then disappeared forever into the black, boiling sea."

Bob says, with incredulity, "That was a terrible fate! And what, may I ask ye, suffered the loss of your hand?"

Capt'n Black Peg says "Arrgh me matey, "twas me second day at sea. The sea was churning, a great swell hit the ship and threw again me o're board into the devilish waves. Before me crew could pull me from Davey's Locker out of the brink, the Kracken swam up and pulled off me hand with its giant, sharp beak then disappeared forever, again, into the black, boiling sea.

By this time,Bob's convinced the Kracken as it out for Capt'n Black Peg. He asks, Capt'n, were it the Kracken what stole your right eye?

Capt'n Black Peg says "Arrgh, twas me third day at sea. The sea was churning, a cloud of migrating Snowy egrets flew o're and one pee'd in me right eye."

Bob responds, "Pardon me for asking, but how can a wee bit of pee make ye lose ye fine right eye?"

Capt'n Black Peg "Twas not the wee piss what stole me eye, twas me first day at sea with the hook"

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Bob. the train engineer

three bananas

Bob. the train engineer loved his job.   Driving trains had been his life long dream since childhood.   Bob loved to make his train go fast so ultimately, one day he got reckless and caused a crash whick killed a person and caused immense property damage. 

Needless to say, he went to court over the train wreck and was found guilty, and sentenced to death by electrocution.

On the day of his execution, as his last meal he asked for a single banana.

After eating the banana, the jailors strapped him into the electric chair.

The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but the engineer was still alive with no burns or damage.

After several attempts to execute, the jailors finally had to give up.  After a time, his attorney found a loophone in the law that ruled a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention and the courts were forced to set him free.

Somehow, Bob managed to get his old job back driving the train.  He resumed his habit of making the train go as fast as possible.  Once again, his train crashed this time killing two people in addition to massive property damage.

The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, Bob requested two bananas.

After eating the bananas, the same jailiors in his first execution attempt strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and Bob, once again was unharmed.  Bob's attorney used the same loophone in the law and the courts were once again forced to set him free. 

Once again, somehow, Bob managed to get his old job back driving the train.  He resumed his habit of making the train go as fast as possible.  Once again, his train crashed this time killing three people in addition to horrific property damage.

On the day of his execution, Bob requested for his final meal: three bananas.

This time the executioner refused and said, "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas. You've walked away from execution two times already. I'm not going to give you anything to eat."

With that the jailers strapped Nob into to the electric chair without a last meal.

The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and Bob was unharmed.

The executioner was speechless.

Bob looked at the executioner and said, "The bananas have nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

 

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Betty and Bob Factory Workers

crazy betty

Betty: "I can make the boss give me the day off."

Bob: "You know the boss won't let you off, it's rush time."

Betty: "I have a fool proof plan, you just wait and see."

Betty then leaped up to a cross beam and hung upside-down from the ceiling.

Boss comes in sees his upside down employee. "Betty! What do you think you are doing hanging upside down from the rafters?" he asked

Betty responds: "Don't you recognize a light ficture when you see one? I am a light bulb!"

The boss responds: "Betty, you've been working so hard I think you've lost your mind.  Take the day off, go home and rest."

Elated, Betty happily danced joyfully out the door.

Bob begins to follow Betty out the door.

The boss demands: "Hey! Where do you think you are going?"

Bob responds: "I can't work in the dark"

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Cursed is the Beardless leader

 

In the great desert lived a tribe of nomads.

These nomads believed that a man's strength and courage came from his beard.

Bennie, tribal leader wore a magnificent beard and enjoyed his command over his people for many years.

However, after so many years of leading the the tribe in the hot and dusty desert land, Bennie grew tired of maintaining his cumbersome, heavy beard. He called the council of the tribe together for advice.

Upon announcing his intentions to go clean shaved, the council members went into apoplexy.

"Remember the ancient legend," they cautioned,

"Cursed is the leader who removes his beard. You will transform into a plain, earthenware piece of pottery."

Bennie laughed. I've heard this legend all of my long life. It is nothing more than an old wives tale to be taken with a grain of salt, not literally.

Headstrong, with determination to remove this hairy beast once and for all.

In front of the entire tribe council, Bennie proceeded to cut, scrape and shave the wild, mangy, lifelong growth of facial hair.

Then just as the final whisker was cut from the root, an intensive Haboob dust storm formed with winds that blew sand until nothing could be seen.

After a few seconds, the storm cleared.

Where Bennie once stood, a large, man-sized clay vessel stood in his place.

The council concluded: "A Bennie shaved is a Bennie urned."

 

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Betty Bakes Cookies

cookieth

Bob, an elderly man lay in his bed, in death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite treat, chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairway to his bedroom.

Bob gathered up his strength, lifted himself from the bed and slowly made his way out of the bedroom to the top of the stairs.

With labored breath he leaned against the bannister and with great effort he forced himself slowly down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.

Bob finally made his way to the kitchen door-frame and if it were not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.

There upon the kitchen table was a mountain of chocolate chip cookies spread out on the kitchen table, literally hundreds of his chocolate chip cookies.

He mustered one great final effort and threw himself toward the table and landed in a rumpled posture while holding onto the table.

As he shakily outstretched an aged and withered hand to reach a single cookie, his wife, Betty suddenly wheeled around from the oven and gave Bob a good smack on his hand with a spatula.

"Bob, You just stay out of those," she said, "these cookies are for the funeral!"

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Fifty Bucks is Fifty Bucks

fifty bucks

Without fail, every year Bob and Betty went to the State Fair.

Also without fail Bob would plead with Betty to take the romantic helicopter ride over the lake.

Betty's response each time was, I know you want us to ride the helecopter but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks.'

Years passed, and on his 85th birthday Bob once again appealed to Betty to take that romantic helicopter ride.

He said, "Betty, I'm 85 years old.If I don't go soon on that helicoptor ride I may never get the chance again."

Betty replied, as usual, "Bob, that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks."

This time the helicopter pilot overheard the conversation. He decided to help Bob while having a bit of fun by making an offer that Betty could not refuse.

"Folks, Today only I have a birthday special. I can take both of you for free with one condition. You both remail silent during the entire trip. BUT One word from either of you and the fee will be 50 bucks."

Betty immediately agreed. Bob was elated as they both climed aboard the hovering craft.

 

The pilot performed every outrageous, dizzying, and daring flying manuever he knew to force his passengers to shout or cry out but neither Bob nor Betty made a sound.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Bob and said, "You are amazing, I did everything I could to get you to yell or scream but you didn't. I'm impressed. Your ride is on me!"

Bob sheepishly responded,

'To tell the truth, I was real close to mentioning something when Betty fell out, but you know, Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!'

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Bob, the Biker and the Girl

kissy lips

A biker gang was riding along the highway when they saw a beautiful young woman about to jump off a high bridge overlooking a rushing river far below.

Bob,a big gruff-looking greasy guy, the leader of the gang, got off his chopper and sauntered up to the girl.

"Hey doll," says Bob, "what are you doing standing on the edge of this bridge?"

The young woman replied, "I'm committing suicide."

Bob says, "I don't want to stop you if that's what you want to do but how about giving ol biker Bob a good bye kiss?"

Immediately the gal leaned back over the railing, and right in front of the whole gang, and gave the biker a long, sexy, lingering kiss.

The Bob's biker gang yells and cheers.

Bob stumbles back a bit and says, "Dang gal, that was the best kiss I have ever had!  You got real talent, why commit suicide? You could join us and ride with me?"

The girl replied, "I have to kil myself because my parents won't let me dress up like a girl anymore."

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Bob and Betty Old Friends

Bob and Betty, two life long friends, now in their 80's, met once a week to play cards and discuss life and everything. 

One day durinng a game of gin rummy, Betty says, "I'm sorry, I know we've been friends for many years, but my memory fades.  For the life of me, I can't remember your name."

Bob smiled knowingly and sat silently for a few minutes... "How soon do you need to know?" he replied.

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The Duck and Bartender Bob

A duck walks into a bar and asks bartender Bob, "Got any grapes?"

Bartender Bob, confused, tells the duck, "This is a bar. We serve booze to humans. Get the heck out of here."

The duck thanks him and waddles out the door.

The next day, the duck returns, jumps on the barstook and asks, "Got any grapes?"

Bartender Bob retorts "No, I told you yesterday, this is a bar, we don't serve grapes, we never serve grapes, and furthermore, will never serve grapes. Get oyut of here"

The duck thanks him and waddles out the door.

The next day, the duck returns, hops onto the barstool, but before he can say anything, the bartender interrupts,

Bartender Bob pounds his finger onto the bar for emphasis,"Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you come in here asking for grapes agai I will nail your noisy little duck beak to this bar!"

The duck goes silent for a moment, then asks, "Got any nails?"

Furious, Bartender Bob, shreiks "No! This is not a hardware store, this is a bar! We serve booze to human beings!"

The duck says. "Got any grapes?"

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Sea Side Restaurant

A group of teen age girlfriends decide to meet for dinner. They discussed where to eat and finally agreed on McDonald's next to the Sea Side Restaurant.  They chose McDonalds because they only had $6.50 between them and the cute boy in their science class lived on that street.

  • 10 years later, the same girlfriends, now in their mid-twenties, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because it had free snacks, there was no cover charge, the beer was cheap, the band was good and there were lots of cute guys.
  • 10 years later, the same girlfriends, now in their mid-thirties, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because the combos were good, it was near the gym and if they went late enough, there wouldn't be many whiny little kids.
  • 10 years later, the same girlfriends, now in their mid-fourties, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because the martinis were big and the waiters wore tight pants and had nice buns.
  • 10 years later, the same girlfriends, now in their mid-fifties, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because the prices were reasonable, it had windows which opened (in case of hot flashes), the wine list was good and fish was good for their cholesterol.
  • 10 years later, the same girlfriends, now in their mid-sixties, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because they had an Early Bird Special and the lighting was good.
  • 10 years later, the same girlfriends, now in their mid-seventies, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because the food wasn't too spicy and it was handicapped accessible.
  • 10 years later, the same girlfriends, now in their mid-eighties, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because they'd never been there before.

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Betty Reads the Exorcist

Betty picked up a copy of the Exorcist at the book store. After reading the book she declared "Bob, This is the most evil book I have ever read."

Betty was so upset in fact, she instructed Bob to build a barbecue pit in which to incinerate the evil, hideous thing. Betty instructed Bob to place the book into the pit and cover it with briquettes. She doused the pile with lighter fluid then struck a match and stood there the entire time to watch the book burn to ashes.

While she waited for the fire to completely die out, Bob got an idea.

He drove to the local book store to purchase a brand new copy of the Exorcist. He took out his lighter and singed the edges of the new book. He then slipped the blackened book into the top drawer of the night stand beside Betty's bed.

They say that was the first time Betty ever screamed and fainted.

Bob explained, I know I'm going to hell for this, but at least I'll go laughing.

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Bob meets Betty, the Princess Frog

frog princess

A Bob crossed a road one day and spied a frog sitting at the edge of a pond near the opposite side of the road.

The frog said, "Hello, my name is Betty. If you kiss me, I will magically change into a beautiful princess and be forever grateful."

Bob leaned over and gently scooped Betty the princess frog and placed her safely in his pocket.

Puzzled, Betty, the princess frog said, "If you kiss me, I will become a beautiful human princess. We can live hapily ever after."

Bob lifted Betty, the princess frog, gently from his pocket, smiled, patted her on the head, and returned her to his pocket.

Betty cried out, "If you kiss me, I will transform into a beautiful princess and be your bride forever."

Bob once again, took Betty out of his pocket, smiled, patted her on the head, and returned her to the pocket.

Exasperated, Betty the Princess frog asked, " If you kiss me, I will magically change into a beautiful princess, be forever grateful. We can live hapily ever after and I will be your bride forever. What is the matter? Why won't you kiss me?"

Bob responds, "I'm an engineer, I don't have time for a wife or a girlfriend, but Betty the Princess talking frog? Now that's cool."

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Bob and Betty and the Parking Cop

parking cop

Betty and Bob, an elderly couple walked out of a restaurant where they had enjoyed a healthy breakfast.

Right outside the restaurant door, they spied a Parking control officer in the midst of writing out a parking ticket.

The couple approached the officer.

Bob said indignently "Hey can't you give a senior citizen a break?"

The officer ignored him and continued writing the citation.

Betty chimed in, "What a jerk!"

Bob added, "Don't you have something better to do than pick on old people?"

The officer completed the ticket, placed it on the car windshield. Then, without saying a word, he proceeded to write another citation.

This time Bob and Betty were moved to shout out a string of insults almost in unison. They continued verbally berating the beleaguered parking officer for 15 minutes.

Each time the officer completed one citation he'd pulled out another, then another and silently placed each one on the car windshield.

Then a city bus pulled up to the stop right next to the heavily ticketed car.

Bob and Betty climbed aboard the bus and rode home.

Moral of the story:

When you retire, it is important to enjoy life and try to have fun every day.

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Bobby and the Neighborhood Bullies

Every day Bobby was teased by neighborhood bullies. Their favorite joke was to offer Bobby a choice between one dime or one nickle.

Bobby always chose the nickle and the bullies would laugh hysterically, call Bobby a dummy, then ride off on their bicycles.

One day Betty witnessed the cruel teasing. She took Bobby aside and said, "Bobby those mean boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that even though the nickle is bigger than the dime, a dime is worth more than a nickle."

Bobby grinned and said, "Betty, If I took the dime they would stop offering the nickle. I've made $20 bucks in nickles so far this summer."

Betty's Broken Windows

Bob had just arrived to the office when he received a panicky phone text from Betty.

"Bob, windows frozen, won't open!"

Bob immediately texted in response, "Betty, just pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap the edges with a hammer."

10 minutes pass when Bob received a new text from Betty. "Bob computer really messed up now."

Sandy the Siberian Tiger

Sandy, the rare and endangered, Siberian white tiger, gladly bolted at the opportunity of escape when the train car transporting him to the zoo derailed.

While on the loose, the tiger stealthily approached the town, scratching fence posts, befouling sandboxes and garden plots and terrorizing small family pets.

This emergency prompted the local authorities to post public warnings

"Better watch out, Sandy Claws is coming to town!"

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